Marriage equality: why you should be for it.

Today, the Supreme Court of the United States is hearing oral arguments on California banning gay marriage. Tomorrow, they will consider the Defense of Marriage Act. I’m a big supporter of gay rights, or what I like to think of as common sense. Why? Because people are people, and love is love. If you consider yourself too “traditional” to support gay marriage, you should look over these ten handy reasons why you should reconsider your stance. If you’re still not convinced, well, then I feel genuinely sorry for you.

1. No one will force you to get gay married. The really awesome thing about gay marriage is that if you’re not gay, it won’t affect you. Nobody will suddenly assume you’re gay. Nobody will propose to you and pressure you into an unsuitable gay marriage. It takes absolutely nothing away from you except maybe availability at your marriage venue of choice.

2. You can’t justify your stance through the Bible. Right, that whole not lying with man as with woman thing? It’s bullshit. Sorry for referring to your sacred text that way, but if you’re going to enforce this bit, you have to go with the whole thing. So you can’t eat certain foods (ham is out, but locusts are in!), get tattoos, shave your beard, gossip, have pre-marital sex, or curse (oops, guilty already). Sure, you can get stoned for a great many things, but one is being a disrespectful child. And don’t even get me started on the laws involved when ladies have that time of the month. Oh, and don’t forget the salt in your sacrifice to God. God really hates it when you forget the salt.

3. It’s not contagious. Why is this so difficult to comprehend? People act like this is opening the way to bestiality. No, animals cannot consent. Likewise, it is not opening the door to pedophilia. Children cannot consent. There are laws on both counts. Why won’t it lead to child brides and grooms? Well, let’s look at our legal system. We have juvenile courts for juvenile offenders, whose  minds may not yet be fully developed. Yes, sometimes they’re tried as adults; some children get married with parental consent. If you’re really so scared for the kids, maybe parent them rather than grown adults who are in love. Also, I live with two lesbians (engaged, by the way) and a gay man, and I am a-okay with that. So are they.

4. It doesn’t “hurt children” or “destroy families.” If you’re a parent, chances are your children will see non-straight people at some time in their lives. This is not a traumatic experience. If they ask you how that couple will get a baby, your life is not over. I’ll admit that I come from a very rural, white area, and when I first saw an African-American man as a child, I was stunned (or so my mom tells me). He was very kind about it, and you know what? I love diversity. He was born that way, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s a human, just like me. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Sexuality is probably not a choice, and even if it were, why would it be the wrong choice? Personally, I’m of the opinion that sexuality mostly comes from how you’re wired, but the truth is that it really doesn’t matter if it is a choice. For many, it’s about dating, falling in love, having a family. If I met a woman and fell in love with her, I really wouldn’t give a damn what other people thought about that (unless she were a bitch, in which case I’d hope my friends would tell me just as much as they’d judge a really bad dude).

6. Heterosexuals have done a damn fine job destroying the so-called sanctity of marriage on their own. We’re at the point that most marriages end in divorce anyway. How is this the “defense of marriage” by making it about one man and one woman? Because they can biologically have kids? Then the Defense of Marriage Act should ban divorce, separation, and you know what else? Death. It’s very selfish when parents go and die. It should be illegal. It keeps the children from growing up with two parents. That’s not okay.

7. More marriages will boost the economy. Because ridiculous laws and rules often ban same-sex couples from adopting, getting married, or just having equal rights no matter how long they’ve been together, same-sex couples tend to have disposable income that their heterosexual counterparts do not. I’ve read research in the past (sorry, no link) that says this is particularly true of gay men since there’s no glass ceiling in the way. Regardless, these people want to get married. They want you to take their money. TAKE THEIR MONEY.

8. If you don’t like people making a big deal about being gay, shut up about your straight life. Stop putting the “sex” in sexuality. Straight people are so obsessed with their romantic lives that it’s not surprising if maybe people with other orientations want to be open too. I’m perpetually single, and let me tell you, people in relationships? You never shut up about it. Ever. Maybe once they have the same rights as you, LGBQT people will realize how obnoxious you’ve been all along. But they deserve to be obnoxious too.

9. If you think gays are “gross,” turn on some reality television. I’ve had friends say that they like gay people but don’t like to imagine them having sex. That’s fine, as long as you acknowledge that you don’t want to see some straight people having sex too. Two dudes or two ladies going at it may not be your thing, but likewise, Honey Boo Boo’s mom has had plenty of kids, which means she’s had plenty of sex. Bless her for enjoying it and having found someone who loves her the way she is, and I’m all for her confidence, but I’d rather be waterboarded than watch a sex tape of her. See, it goes two ways. Also, straight people can have sex in as many weird and potentially fucked up ways as same-sex couples. Fifty Shades of Grey shows that “the straights” can have very gross sex as well, so your taste is really a moot point.

10. You sound like a fucking idiot if you oppose it. Go on. Come up with one good reason to oppose gay marriage that doesn’t make you sound like a crazy foaming at the mouth. I bet you can’t. “Civil unions!” Create second-class citizens, I retort. “It’s not natural!” Tell that to my flamingly gay dog Turk, I say. “They don’t HAVE to get married!” Neither do you, but you have that right.
People are people. Adults deserve the right to marry someone they love. We have no business separating our citizens into what’s “normal” and what’s “other.” Support equality and love. You know, or else you look like an asshole.

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